Uncertainty
Today, as I think about the uncertainties in our communities, I am reminded of a song from another Native Oklahoman, Leon Russell.
"When the baby looks around him
It's such a sight to see
He shares a simple secret
With the wise man
He's a stranger in a strange land
Just a stranger in a strange land"
There are a lot of aspects of our world currently that embody uncertainty. The past four months have brought lots of thoughts to mind, some fretting (How long will these social restrictions be in place?), some troubling (When will I get to see my grandmother in person and be able to hug her?), some fearing (I don't feel well, is this COVID?), some joyful (Time at home with my family has been a powerful time to connect on deeper levels.), some selfish (When will I get to go to a concert again?), and some selfless (How can I be a better ally?).
I notice for myself that when there are uncertainties, I feel some fear in not knowing what will happen next. I also experience pain as my mind tries to make sense of what is unfamiliar. As a child, familiarity brought a sense of safety and security, and now as an adult, there is a childlike fear that resonates with the uncertainty of the past four months and the indefinite continuing of being in a state of change/flux.
As I take time to reflect on this, I think about how this relates to the therapeutic approach we utilize at Green Shoe. It is important to be mindful of how our feelings are not only manifesting at this moment but also what this reminds us of from our past. If I notice that fear is taking precedence and my thoughts align with a desire to fight, flight, or freeze, then I am engaging in this reality from the perspective of my younger vulnerable self, which we refer to as the "wounded child." When this occurs, it is important to let that part of me know that the fear is heard, that I am safe, and that my healthy mature self can safely protect me. At Green Shoe, we refer to this healthy mature self as our "functional adult." My healthy mature self can affirm, nurture, and set limits with my younger vulnerable self. I also have a younger acting out self, or "adapted child" as we refer to this part.
When my younger acting out self shows up with angry, judgmental, or manipulative language and behaviors, then my healthy mature self can affirm, nurture, and set limits for this younger acting-out self at the moment. When my healthy and mature self shows up for the parts of me that needed healthy and mature balance, I am reparenting myself at the moment with compassion and not judgment or manipulation. For example, when I feel afraid and my younger acting out self begins to judge that fear and say things like "it's not that big a deal" that sends a message that my younger vulnerable self's fear is not worth mentioning, and so I might try to hold that in and not talk about it. My healthy mature self identifies my value and worth and reinforces/reminds me, "you have a right to all your feelings" and "you have a right to talk about your feelings."
I am noticing that in extended periods of uncertainty there are numerous avenues for our histories to be stimulated which will also bring about thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that may be rooted in patterns of former familiarity (don't talk about it, don't get upset, don't think about it). As a child, we learn from our environment and from others around us about who we are and what our place is in this world. It can be easy to fall into patterns that are unhealthy for us, as these are often immature responses for our current age. I've found that adopting an attitude of mindfulness can be of great benefit to our ability to be present in healthy and mature ways. In being mindful, I am paying attention on purpose without passing judgment. By doing so, I am engaging from my healthy mature self and reparenting myself at the moment with compassion, which can limit the reactionary responses when my younger vulnerable, and younger acting out self are stimulated.
So, despite feeling like a "stranger in a strange land" amidst all this uncertainty, we can take a deep breath and pause to check in with ourselves and offer ourselves compassion and gratitude. In checking in with the reality that our thoughts create, we slow the familiarity of reacting and are replacing it with a compassionate presence. By creating a new familiar pattern, one of mindful presence and compassion, we create ripples in our relationships that help foster consistency, connectedness, and healing. Even as times look to be uncertain, we do not have to be swept into the uncertainty; we have an opportunity to affirm, nurture, and set limits for ourselves.
We have all weathered numerous storms in our lives, and from those experiences, we can learn tools to survive the next storm with more certainty. Ask ourselves; What do I need right now? What do I need to be attentive to at this moment? How can I take care of myself? This may be simply taking a break, turning off the news, going outside, eating healthier food, exercising, or sleeping. You have a right to take care of yourself. You have a right to be healthier than those around you. You matter (no more and no less than others) you have always mattered! Bringing our awareness back to these affirmations and saying them aloud is an aspect of self-care that influences our behavior. For me, this also brings a sense of certainty in that I know I can manage safely what comes up for me (this is not to say it is always easy, but I also know this is something we can learn and enhance as we grow).
